Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
