im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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