Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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