I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
