She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
