see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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