He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
