who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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