please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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