Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize