Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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