so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize