mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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