Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
