I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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