I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
They have beer where we have blood.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
