Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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