I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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