my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
