Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
