I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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