She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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