Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
