if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
