i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
