I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
