He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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