i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
