we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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