Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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