It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
