I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the day after is always just damage control
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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