Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
