I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He shit in the fireplace
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
