i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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