we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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