u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
