new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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