I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize