he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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