There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
