I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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