I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How does it feel to date your dad?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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