I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
