why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
smell my finger.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
