Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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