she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
