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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
