I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
