I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
