Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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