can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
