Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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