Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
