i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
